After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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