she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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