The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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