If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
