im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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