Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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