so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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