I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
