I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
