You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize