3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
