the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
