Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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