We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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