Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
