I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
