my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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