I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
