All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
this just has baby written all over it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
