the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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