I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
