OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
