I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize