If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
