I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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