I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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