i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
