i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
