Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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