my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
