a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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