Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize