Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize