I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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