just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
