I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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