Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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