i think my tv is drunk
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
