3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize