The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
