someone threw a dead crab at me
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
