just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
And then he peed in my hair
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