Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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