So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
