Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
