how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
