I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
