dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
