I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize