I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
