Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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