How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
