i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
