dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
