you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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