Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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