my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
