During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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