Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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