Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
