Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
